Narcissistic people can be hard to deal with. If you’ve ever crossed paths with one or have been in a relationship with one, you know exactly what I mean. Narcissists are a complicated group of people who will make you feel like your head is spinning, and they can cause severe emotional trauma in the lives of those near to them. For those who have never experienced the behavior of a narcissist, or for anyone trying to determine if someone in your life classifies as one, it’s helpful to understand some of the common patterns associated with narcissism.

Let’s start with their behavior in public. In a public setting, narcissists often put on an invisible mask, giving themselves the appearance of someone approachable, caring, and well-liked. However, behind closed doors, the mask comes off, and a completely different side emerges – think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Both sides of their personality are rarely seen by strangers and acquaintances, but there’s a sense of security in revealing their true identity to those closest to them. Others receive a twisted story that carries the potential to ruin the narcissist’s victim, and because the outgoing, kind, generous side was the only one ever revealed, the real victim ends up looking crazy and faces the loss of relationships and a ruined reputation. A false, distorted picture of what really happened is painted as they make themselves the victim, while the true victim begins to question reality, their own feelings, and what really happened. “Maybe I really am the problem. Maybe it really is my fault. Maybe I’m too sensitive,” and they begin to believe the lie, though deep down they know it’s not true. Guilt seeps in, and they begin to think, “Maybe I’m just an awful person.” The victim may also feel a sense of guilt for standing up to the narcissist and saying no, as the narcissist will make sure they are aware of all the things they’ve done for them, expecting the same in return, and guilt-tripping them endlessly.

Victims of narcissism often feel helpless and like they’re alone in the world. There is a desire to be heard, a desire to defend themselves, but it’s as if the opportunity will only ever remain a dream. Strong feelings of being invisible, unimportant, and ignored arise and oftentimes result in isolation. Instead of the victim being protected and allowed a chance to relate their side of the story, the narcissistic abuser and his or her false sense of identity are protected.

Narcissists are not concerned with the feelings of others. Their feelings are the top priority, and they will find a way to bring the situation back around to themselves and their emotions. The narcissist likes to play the game of “one-up.” It strokes their ego when they can produce a story that sounds more exciting, or more dramatic than yours, or where their situation was way worse than yours. You could have walked through hell itself, but they will never pause to empathize with you, to feel compassion, or to help you through your trials. To them, it’s all about receiving attention. When the attention is on someone else, you can be sure they’ll do what it takes to redirect that attention to themselves.

Narcissists will quote truth to you and expect you to follow it. For example, they might say, “We’re tight on money this week, so no frivolous purchases.” However, an opportunity may arise for them to make a purchase, and they will make excuses such as it was a need, or a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Anything to make it ok for them, but not for you. They will hold you to higher standards than even themselves. Everyone is expected to give them a pass when they mess up, when they get upset, when they are late, when a cuss word slips out, etc., but they will not give you a pass. They want to be heard, but they don’t want to hear you. Think of it this way, their motto seems to be, “What’s right for me is wrong for you,” and they will let you know.

“When you’re dealing with a narcissist, remember: the rules only apply to you, never to them.” – Dr. Ramani Durvasula

A narcissist uses manipulation often and uses any means possible to get his or her own way. Sometimes that includes threatening to leave, or use of phrases such as, “If you really love me, then you’ll ________,” or, “Family keeps each other’s secrets.” If you’re being verbally or emotionally abused, and your family member is telling you not to talk to anyone about it, that is wrong. Abuse should never remain hidden, and the victims should never be required to stay silent. If you’re being physically abused, it should be reported to the authorities. You do not have to stay and continue to take it. God sees what you’re going through, and He will help you as you step out to get the help you need. I encourage you to take that first step.

 Being in close relation with a narcissist is like being in a relationship with a vampire – it can feel like the life is being sucked out of you if you’re not aware of their tactics and don’t have a firm grasp on your identity and who you are in Christ. You may find the activities that once brought you joy don’t have the same effect anymore. You most likely feel tired all the time from all the mind games and mental battles you’ve had to fight. With each new relationship you enter, you begin to wonder if they, too, are going to think you’re crazy and not believe the story of what you’ve been going through. You know how the narcissist has affected you, and you feel afraid to get close to others for fear that they, too, will be harmed if you get too close. It feels easier to navigate without others getting involved, though that, too, is a lie.

It’s often said that a narcissistic person will never change. However, that’s just not true. While seemingly far-fetched, God is always able to reach deep into the hearts of even the worst narcissists and bring change into their lives and into the lives of those who love them. Narcissists tend to have a lot of unresolved pain, anger, and trauma from the past, but God is more than able to reach into the past and bring direct healing into those areas that developed into destructive behavior.

As children, they may have learned how to manipulate and get what they want through tears or ultimatums. They may have learned to control others through the use of anger or harsh words, or learned to receive attention from others through various other destructive ways. An unrealistic view of themselves and their greatness may have come from receiving excessive praise, while the neglected child may learn how to garner attention through manipulation, extravagant stories, or pure old-fashioned lies. Self-preservation is at the root, making it easier to ignore the feelings of others and their treatment of others, as they’re trying to survive without the proper tools. Narcissistic behaviors must be unlearned through mind renewal. They have to want to change, and as they begin to fill their minds with truth, they will begin to respond correctly. Those negative patterns and mindsets weren’t learned in a day, and they most likely will not resolve in a day. It takes time. Sometimes years.

All hope is not lost. You may feel like you’re going crazy or like you’re just a shell of yourself, but you can heal from the abuse of the narcissist in your life, and you can learn how to keep yourself sane and your nervous system regulated. Here are a few ways to just chill and come out of the fight-or-flight craziness you’re experiencing. I’m not a doctor or a therapist, and I’m still working on coming out of it myself, but these are the things that have been helping me, and I’m starting to feel myself come back. It’s almost as if I’m coming alive after being dead for so long.

First off, if you’re not born again (if you have never repented of your sins and asked Jesus into your life), it’s imperative you do so. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the way you navigate your situations in order to obtain real lasting change. He’s the one who brings in the truth for renewing your mind and the mind of your loved one(s), and He is also the one who will bring those areas within you that have died back to life. He wants to be the lifter of your head and the renewal of your strength. Here’s a simple prayer to pray to invite Him into your life and to receive His power to overcome all obstacles.

“Dear Jesus, I acknowledge I cannot do this on my own. I surrender my life to you, and ask that you do a mighty work in my life and in my situations. I believe that you came and died for me, to give me life and life more abundantly. Deliver me out of this dark place and set me in the light where I can see Truth that will make me free. I ask this in your name, Jesus, Amen.”

Ok, here we go.

#1  Spend ample time with the Lord, praying, and in His Word.

The Bible, which is the Word of God, is where you find out exactly who you are in Christ Jesus, who He is, and all of the benefits available to you. This is where you learn to war and where you learn to stand victoriously, despite all hell breaking loose around you. Conversing regularly with the Lord is like fueling up your vehicle – it provides you with strength, energy, and the ability to keep going.

Jesus also keeps us anchored so we’re not thrown about in our emotions and taken out by the threat of the storm. It is not our job to keep emotionally unstable people stable; that is God’s job. Our job is to stay close to God to keep ourselves stable so we can respond appropriately to those types of people, which in turn is helpful to them. Giving in to every whim of the narcissist so they don’t explode into a fit of rage does nothing for either of you. Enabling them only makes things worse, as their bad character and actions are being reinforced as positive in their eyes. By not giving in and setting firm, clear boundaries, you’re standing up for yourself as an individual with thoughts, feelings, and needs, and you’re taking your own well-being into consideration, giving them the opportunity to ask the question, “What happened? Why didn’t this work?”

Pray for them and for yourself. I know it hurts, and it can be hard to pray for someone who’s hurt you so badly. However, praying for them is not letting them off the hook. God says, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord,’” Romans 12:19. God will deal with them in His way, and His way is always better and more effective than our way.

#2 Break all negative soul ties with the person

You do not want your emotions tied to a negative, dysfunctional person. When the narcissist has control of your emotions, they can yank you all over the place in a matter of seconds. A prayer you can pray to break the soul tie is this –

“Dear God, thank you for your goodness and faithfulness in my life. My emotions have been a mess and I’ve allowed them to be manipulated by ___________________. I repent of giving over control of my emotions to ______________ and I break every negative soul tie that has kept me bound in emotional torment. I cancel every word curse spoken over me through narcissistic abuse, and I repent of believing the lies. Lord, I now submit my mind and emotions to you, and I take on your peace. Strengthen me and enable me to make wise decisions. Help me to create boundaries where boundaries are needed, and help me to not give the enemy a foothold in my emotions again. I declare I am set free, in my right mind, and whole in the name of Jesus.”

#3 Engage in activities that are wholesome and bring you joy.

You will want to keep your nervous system regulated, and self-care is a part of that. Spend some time outdoors in nature, soaking up the rays of the sun. Sun exposure provides us with Vitamin D, which is known to help with mood regulation.  Gentle exercise and a change of scenery are helpful as well. Find a peaceful spot to sit in a park, take a walk along a nature trail or along the beach, read a book at the local coffee shop, or go somewhere else that you find pleasant. Take time to breathe and engage your senses with God’s creation.

Meditating on the word of God and actively engaging in worship will also help and is of utmost importance. Worship places our focus on the Lord and causes our minds to rest. It creates a calm, peaceful atmosphere as it cuts through the darkness. Meditating on His word renews our minds and reminds us of what He says about our situation. Search out some targeted scriptures that relate to your situation, or that remind you who you are in Christ. Here are a few declarations taken from scripture that I like to speak over myself:

“I have the mind of Christ.”

“My thoughts are stable.”

“I have peace that surpasses all understanding.”

“My emotions are aligned with God”

“No weapons formed against me or my emotions shall prosper.”

“I catch the enemy in all his lies.”

“I know the voice of the Lord, and I will not follow another’s.”

Gentle exercise and stretching are other ways to release stress. If you’ve been dealing with a narcissist for a while, you might find going to therapy helpful. It’s a great place to get it all off your chest, and there’s no judgment. A trained therapist can help by teaching you coping skills, by listening, and by helping you talk through the issues at hand. Sometimes just having someone to listen takes weeks’ worth of pressure off, and you’ll begin to feel lighter.

#4 Create distance.

Sometimes you have to distance yourself from the narcissist, and it’s ok. It’s important to preserve our peace, and if it means not spending as much time together, or loving them from a distance, so be it.

Living with or maintaining a relationship with a narcissistic individual can be emotionally challenging, but it does not automatically mean the relationship is destined to fail. When unhealthy patterns are recognized and understood, it becomes possible to navigate interactions more effectively and make informed decisions about appropriate boundaries and expectations.

Above all, do not neglect your own emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. Prioritize practices that restore your sense of peace, strengthen your identity, and bring genuine joy to your life. Whether through prayer, supportive relationships, time in nature, counseling, creative pursuits, or other healthy activities, investing in your well-being is not selfish—it is essential. As you continue to heal and grow, you can learn to protect your peace, maintain perspective, and move forward with greater confidence, wisdom, and resilience.

“It’s such a difficult balance—when you bring your authentic self to the narcissistic person, they often shame and rage at you, and yet it is central to your healing that you cultivate your true self and share it with others.”
― Ramani Durvasula, It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People